Thursday, September 24, 2009

ALL BECAUSE TWO PEOPLE FELL IN LOVE

He saw the wall plaque in a Target store. He kinda smiled as he read it and walked on by. Didn't get but a few steps before he had to go back and reread it. This time he stood there, and a flood of emotion washed over him like a tidal wave. There's so many ways that can be interpeted. Is it the two people that were together for over 25 years, the two that created a life in their darling baby girl? There were some good years in there. Of course there were, it did last a quarter of a century. But to him it ended up being two people
alone together.
All because two people fell in love.

Or was it the two that brought about such a profound alteration in his thinking? (of course him being one half of the two). There was no way they could be together, after all, he was still married. Now two people,
alone apart. Maybe after all this time they are not alone anymore. We are pretty good at doing that. Finding a way to fill the void left when love goes bad. At first you don't want to fill the hole. It hurts so bad, but after awhile you really get kinda of used to it, the abnormal becomes the normal. Then after a seeming eternity of dispair, pain, and agony, one day you realize you didn't cry that day. Hmmmm, that felt kinda ok, you think, but wait, you're not supossed to be ok. Not yet.
All because two people fell in love.

Tick tock tick tock........the hours slowly pass away.......the days become weeks, and weeks become months. The meloncholy feelings are replaced with more healthy feelings......hope that the future is not all bleak. He's not the first person to ever get divorced. Funny how finally saying the words that were hiding inside him unlocked the cage that had imprisioned for so long. There's no way he can go back to what it was like before. He had seen a glimpse of heaven, at least thats what it seemed to him. Lawyers, lists, house hunting, what a hassle it all is.
All because two peole fell in love.

The plaque is still in his trunk. It won't be long till he has his own place. He plans to hang it somewhere close to the entry way, a reminder of all it took to get where he is today.
All because two people fell in love.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

24 Hours of Booty!

Here's the short synopsis that I threw out to facebook:175.54 miles, 11.36 hours ride time, 7083 ft of ascent, 16289 calories burned, 2 hours sleep, two fatacinos and 4 lbs lighter than yesterday at this time. Good times with good friends! If you didn't ride the 24 hrs of Booty, you missed something! "I hate cancer."Now the real report. Better get comfy and a cup of coffee. I have a lot to say.

I got there around 3:30 Friday afternoon, found the base camp which BTW was right beside the main stage. Perfect place to enjoy the bands, foods and festivities, but at 6am the next morning not so good for sleeping in after a late night of pedaling. Before and during the ride several people kept asking me if I had a goal, mileage wise. I didn't, just figured I would ride till I got tired, rest, then ride some more. And thats basically what I did! As usual the Bee team grouped at the rear of the starting crowd, then we inched out way up all the way to the front of the line! I hope our jerseys were visable on some news shots. Dari, out team captain for this ride, (THANK YOU DARI) was catapulted further up into the survivor group, which got to be the lead group on the first lap, then came the top fundraisers, then about three minutes later the peleton with us leading out. It was pandamonium at its best after the first lap. No way Pat to form a paceline. I told several bees about how much fun it was to snake your way through the slower riders, I felt like a member of the pack you would see on the TDF coverage. The spectators were just great. All up and down the 3 mile loop the people were partying, and encouraging us on. Lined both sides of the road. I told HRH, those Myers Parkers were just looking for a reason to party! I felt for them as I watched them trying to get out of the side roads, waiting for a gap big enough to scoot thru to a open road. The police and volunteers were wonderful at helping in this aspect. I never had to stop for a car, but I did want to several times when the traffic lights turned red. A good habit I guess. After the first few laps HRH and I found each other and stayed together for a few hours until she had to leave to go home, beach trip! Have fun Victoria! We were riding hard for me, over 17mph avg. Then after she left, Daniel and I hooked up and pushed our pace on to 17.5 for the first 50 miles. then he ate some bootyville dinner and got the bootyville belly ache. Daniel's the one that put the mileage goal booger on me, he was shooting for 100 miles the first day, and as the night progressed, I could see that happening. But the bee's were dropping like flies around midnight. They kept saying something about the body needing rest to be able to go the distance. I had adopted a goal to lose some weight, but forgot that to do that, I should keep my HR down, slow and easy, I was riding hard and fast. The second 50 miles, left to my own pace, I dropped to my usual 15.5 avg. about 3:45 am I hit Daniels goal of 100 miles and decided to stop for the night. Had no trouble going to sleep, but I really wanted to be riding from dark into the sunrise, so I set my alarm for 5:30. When that went off, I quickly changed my plans to get more sleep and turned off that stupid alarm on my phone. But alas, promptly at 6am, the event organizers decided the masses needed some pep em up music and announcements to get everyone going, and I think my tent was the closest one to the loudspeakers. So with not much rest I got suited back up, fueled up, and back on the road. The legs were feeling the pain and I decided today I would keep it slow and easy. I met alot of people, I met some of Sharlenes friends from the Tri It For Life group. I met the guy on the unicycle, who I think rode on one wheel for more than 40 miles. I met a pretty girl from Asheville, her bike had some Christmas tree lights that made it unique at night. I stopped and met the faithful spectators just past the start line that had sat out there all night, clapping for each and every rider that came by, which equates to clapping for at least 15 hours non-stop. I bet they have sore arms and hands today. I got in 175 miles before I had to leave to get my baby at the airport, I really wanted to go for 200, ride till 7, the whole 24 hours, but took too many rest stops I guess. I am surprised my garmin says I only rode for 11.36 hours, it seemed a lot longer. I set a 150 mile goal, I would ride off the course up East blvd. to Carribu coffee for a much deserved java cooler (with an extra shot!) But Dari didn't know that, she had Jim bring everone a starbucks frappacino (fatacino) in the afternoon. No wonder I missed my weight loss goal. Thanks to all the non riding Bees that came out, Rollie, who brought enough bagels for all bootyville, Coach on his crutches, Jack and Joanna, LeeAnn and Diane, Jim, and I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. I hope you are just like me, I came last yeat, saw all the fun, and rode this year.

If I ever did get tired, I would be reminded why we were doing this by all the homemade signs along the route, all the "in honor of" and "in memory of" placards on the riders backs, and I would become welled with tears and I would suddenly be filled with determination that someday, cancer will be overcome, no more suffering and loss. And I would keep pressing on, regardless. I tried to say good morning, hello, to each rider that had a Mom or Dad listed on their back. A SMILE is something everyone everywhere does in the same language.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I wonder what it feels like to be normal?

Normal? I assume it's what the majority of people are like. How they think, feel, act, react, live their lives.

I said that because sometimes I feel like certain movie characters, such as Dr. Malcolm Crowe (Bruce Willis) in "The Sixth Sense" when he realizes he's the one thats stuck in limbo. or John Forbes Nash (Russel Crowe) in "A Beautiful Mind". Although I don't see imaginary people, it often seems like some things are just a dream.
Of course I'm not a mathmatical genius or a dead child psychologist, but at times I do feel quite "abnormal".

And then again, I think I said I just wonder how it feels, not that I would ever want to be that way :)

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Nothing there

It's been awhile since I've been able to write. Maybe it's more like since I've wanted to write. Sometimes I just don't have anything to say. It seems that everytime I try to express myself in written word, it causes someone more grief. And thats not what I am all about. I'd prefer to be able to bring joy and happiness into this world, than grief and drama. Why is that so hard to do. I guess I have some kind of self destruct mechanism built in. Just when things are going good, I usually find a way to muck it up. Of course I start out with what I think are good intentions, trying to make a good thing better, but in the end I find myself saying, what were you thinking? Maybe thats the whole crux of the problem, my thinker doesn't work very well. Often I don't even use it till after the fact. But by then it's too late, and the damage is done. So in order to prevent having to try and clean up another mess, I'll just try a little restraint of tongue and pen. I feel that theres something inside of me that I have to get out, but until I figure out what exactly that is and how to say it without causing harm to others, I will just bite my lip and leave all my faithful followers hanging.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Would Jesus ride a bicycle?

I asked God to help me lose weight. I really don't eat that often, like all day long but I have a portion problem, I never know when to stop eating.
About two years ago I got sick and lost about 10 lbs in one weekend! I wasn't fun at the time, but I was able to keep it off for awhile. Winter time seems to get me the worst. All those holidays, all that food. Well I didn't get sick last winter, the pounds came back on, but I really never got down to where I wanted to be during the summer prime bike riding season. So this year I watch in horror as the scale climbs back up...22o, 225, 227, 230! I think I finally topped out around 237, might have hit 240 one time. About 6 years ago, at my biggest I was around 260+. That's when my diabetes appeared. I was so bad out of shape. I remembered when I was a young, skinny kid. That's when I rode my bike everywhere. I would even ride it over to my girlfriends houses.
So I decided to start riding a bike again. The first few times out, I hardly got in 3 miles, I was huffing and puffing, and soaked in sweat. I stuck with it and the weight started falling off pretty fast. Soon I was going 5 miles, then 7! Then 10 and I finally got up to 15 miles around and around my neighborhood. I finally ventured out on the back roads of Union Co. My diabetes has backed away, as long as I continue to exercise and try to watch what I eat and drink, I don't even have to take any meds for it anymore!
Anyhow, to make a long story short, this spring there I was again, 237 lbs. and it seemed no amount of riding was working to burn off that fat. So I asked my God again, Lord, please help me to lose weight again. I'll even suffer thru another episode of illness like I did a few years ago to get this thing kick started. LOL, When am I gonna learn I can't make deals with my Maker. He knows what I need, and He knows how to get me there. I didn't see any burning bushes, and the weight didn't go away, if anything it seemed to increase.
I started losing weight again! I kinda of liked that, so I waited as long as I could before going to talk to my DR about all the sadness. Yesterday after a 67 mile ride with the Bee team. I got home and got on the scale. 212.5! WOOHOO!!! (But some was water weight, I gained back to 215 at the end of the day as I re hydrated.)
So I started this blog to express my innermost feelings. I was thinking earlier today, did God answer my plea for to lose weight, by letting all this happen. That's pretty far fetched, I know, but maybe stranger things have happened. After all, he is in control of everything. And the bible says to thank God if you find yourself in trials and tribulations. You know, Long suffering produces Perseverance, Perseverance creates Character, something like that. I am working with limited mental capabilities here. I guess I should really go get my bible and look it up so I will be right in my quotes.
Anyway, God does answer us, sometimes in ways we would have never thought of.

Thank you God for all the trials I have before me. I mess up pretty regular, usually when I go my own way, not yours. Please use all the trials you put before me to shape me, and mold me into the person you want me to be. Please use your staff and rod to guide me away from danger, just like the good Shepard's did in the past. Amen.

Another Sunrise

I love the morning time. The sun just keeps coming back, day after day. Even when it's cloudy and rainy, I know the sun is there because the darkness of night slips away. With each new day, the promise of exciting adventures before us awaits.

Please go out today, and play in the sunshine!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Why do I wake up with stuff like this inside my head???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSQDqNFvYD4

I've been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide
'Cause you know just what to say And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much, I love you ...

I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again how much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello, I've just got to let you know
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying,
I love you ...

Hello, is it me you're looking for?
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying ...

I love you

Thursday, June 4, 2009

It is Finished

Thats what Jesus said as He hung there. He knew his work as a mortal man was over. The whole reason and purpose for Him to come into this fallen world as a helpless baby was to be the "escape goat" for the whole human race. All through the old testament you'll find refereneces to Gods requirement for a flawless sacrifice to atone for the sins of his chosen people, the Jews. And flawless and perfect is exactly what He was.

BUT the one thing that differeniates Jesus from other great good people, Mohammad, Budda, Mother Teresa, and so many more is the fact that He overcame death. He walked with, talked with, comforted, and consoled, and continued to teach His followers in person, after he had died. He was living proof there is life after death. They didn't even recognize Him at first. The bible says we will recieve a new body, free from all defects, but His body still had some reminders, the holes in His hands, and side. The places that "doubting Thomas" actually touched Him.

I believe what I read in the Bible. I believe Jesus is alive today, reigning in all His Glory in a realm that we cannot see or visit as long as we're in these earthly bodies. I long for the time to be absent from this body, and to be present with Him. No more pain, no more suffering. The streets are said to be paved with gold up there, can you imagine how smooth and sweet that would be to ride on golden streets! I wonder if there are bicycles there? The bible doesn't say anything about that. At least not that I've found yet. But don't take my word for it, get you one and read it for yourself.

Ask Jesus to come into your life as your personal saviour. Even if you don't believe as I do, you can believe that I believe! And My God is big enough for both of us, He will meet you where ever you are and then take you to where He wants you to be. All it takes is a little faith, as small as a mustard seed to get started.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Parallel string theory, Ripple effect, and pacelines

As much as I like to ride with my group, "The Bee Team", I often like to ride alone. It allows me the chance to solve lifes mysteries, and configure out a plan of attack for how to survive one more day in this screwed up world I have built around myself. I can ride as slow as I want to and speed up as fast as I want to without messing up the teamwork of a well timed group ride.

Just this morning I rode alone to breakfast, close to 10 miles to the retaurant. On the way I listened to my favorite mp3's, some Pink Floyd, Allman Brothers, Trance style, Fleetwood Mac, and an occasional Metallica song. When the long version of "In A Gadda Da Vida" comes on, with that drum solo, I can really get into a good rhythm.

I resisted riding with the mp3 player for the longest time, I was hit by a car at a fairly young age, maybe 18? I'm not really sure of the age, those years are pretty much a blur. Some drinking friends came along and saw me lying there in that pool of blood, unconscious, bike all twisted up. Next time I saw them in a bar they were really surprised that I made it. I never heard the car. I can remember that night, right before getting hit so vividly. I was passed by one car, and I noticed the sound fading as it drove away in the distance, it was so quiet, getting cold, I could see my breath cloud up each time I exhaled. Oh yeah, it was also about 1:30 am in the morning, and I had no lights at all, and maybe not even any reflectors. I know I was completely sober too, because I was on my way home from the 7-11 balancing two six packs of tall buds in the cans on the top tube with one hand, steering with the other. To this day I do not know if i swerved out in front of that car, or if they just didn't see me till I was cracking the windshield with my body. Earlier I had been at a new girl friends house, we didn't drink or get high or anything. I can remember this because being straight was not my normal lifestyle during this period.
I didn't ride a bicycle for a very long time after that. If I ever ride two wheels again it would have a motor on it! When I did get back on a bicycle about 5 or 6 years ago, I was pretty scared of not hearing that car come up from behind again. Heck, I was scared to ride in the road for a year or so, only rode the mountain bike on trails in the woods at first and on the roads around the house . But the one mile loop around my neighborhood got old and I eventually strayed out on the open road again. Oh the freedom of being self propelled and going out exploring the roads. Now I'm even thinking that maybe someday I'll ride across the nation, you know dip the wheel in the Atlantic and ride till I can dip it in the Pacific.

Well, if you can't tell by now, I have a hard time staying on topic. Now to try and reel it back in, I stole part of todays title from a very dear friend that also likes to ponder lifes mysteries, thank you if you ever read this, I owe so much to you for being who you are. All these memories of my early years and how they have shaped the person I am today. I only hope someday I can jump across the invisible dimensions of time and space, and experience the life where things turned out different. The one where the dreams of how it could have been or should have been are not just dreams.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Feeling like 16 again. or ramblings of an dirty old man.

I've been told that sometimes some people feel like their 16 again. I came to the realization this morning that I am feeling exactly like that now! It was so long ago, I had forgotten how that felt. Or maybe I intentionly pushed all those memories way back in the dark recesses of my mind. There is a lot of empty space there for things like that. Anywho, I can remember being in love at such a young age. I have a way of building my whole life around one thing or person. But when that thing/person fails me, it leaves such an empty hole. I grew up beliving in God. But now, (age16) if there is a loving God in heaven, why does he let people feel such loneliness and dispair. I remember having no appitite, no desire to go outside, no desire to tell my parents or friends how I was feeling. Wondering if there really is a God, will I go to hell for ending my own life. Thinking that I wouldn't even make it to 17 or 18 years old. Of course I was already into the drinking and drugging scene, after all I am a product of the 70's. You were hearing about the famous rock stars OD'ing, plane crashes, motorcycle wrecks. To ride my bicycle in front of a semi would be fast, I rode my bike a lot back then, had already lost my drivers license for drinking and driving. Oh yeah, that first real bike, a Miyata 10 speed. I rode that bike all over the place. No wonder I couldn't get a girl to stay with me, what did I have to offer....hey want to go on a date....you can sit on my handlebars and I'll pedal us to a movie! HA, what a joke I was. Not to be one to just give up, I decided that going out of this world high was the only way to go. No more cigarettes for me, pot alcohol and drugs all the way baby. If I'm going to kill myself, I'm going to have fun doing it. So I set out with one goal in life. Try to achieve oblivion every chance I could. If I did ever pass out and not wake up, or wake up dead, that was just fine with me. My life path was set. school went from A's and B's to D's and F's. Almost dropped out completely. There were lots of attempts to fill that empty hole inside me, but when you learn to guard yourself from ever getting hurt, you lose the ability to really care about others too. My favorite philosphy was forming and I didn't even know it: "Don't ever expect much, and you'll never be disappointed!"
My life centered around the drink and the buzz. I had a new love, and it would become a crutch that I couldn't live without for the next 20 years.
Zoom back to current day, 2009, I just picked up my 17 year chip. 17 years clean and sober. The only reason I stopped was because the alcohol stopped working for me. I got to the point where I couldn't get drunk, but I couldn't get sober either. Thank God for the employee assistance program. Drinking and pot took me to my knees, and that is the best place to find the One Real thing that won't ever fail you. I take no credit for anything good in my life today. God is in charge, and when I let him drive the bus, I usually get to my destination on time. I'm not very fond of these trying life lessons like I am experiencing right now, but If I can just hang in there, sit back and try to learn something, I know all will be OK in the end.

Mixed up, screwed up, confused, lost, all alone but surrounded by people, why would anyone want to feel like your 16 again???