Parallel string theory, Ripple effect, and pacelines

As much as I like to ride with my group, "The Bee Team", I often like to ride alone. It allows me the chance to solve lifes mysteries, and configure out a plan of attack for how to survive one more day in this screwed up world I have built around myself. I can ride as slow as I want to and speed up as fast as I want to without messing up the teamwork of a well timed group ride.

Just this morning I rode alone to breakfast, close to 10 miles to the retaurant. On the way I listened to my favorite mp3's, some Pink Floyd, Allman Brothers, Trance style, Fleetwood Mac, and an occasional Metallica song. When the long version of "In A Gadda Da Vida" comes on, with that drum solo, I can really get into a good rhythm.

I resisted riding with the mp3 player for the longest time, I was hit by a car at a fairly young age, maybe 18? I'm not really sure of the age, those years are pretty much a blur. Some drinking friends came along and saw me lying there in that pool of blood, unconscious, bike all twisted up. Next time I saw them in a bar they were really surprised that I made it. I never heard the car. I can remember that night, right before getting hit so vividly. I was passed by one car, and I noticed the sound fading as it drove away in the distance, it was so quiet, getting cold, I could see my breath cloud up each time I exhaled. Oh yeah, it was also about 1:30 am in the morning, and I had no lights at all, and maybe not even any reflectors. I know I was completely sober too, because I was on my way home from the 7-11 balancing two six packs of tall buds in the cans on the top tube with one hand, steering with the other. To this day I do not know if i swerved out in front of that car, or if they just didn't see me till I was cracking the windshield with my body. Earlier I had been at a new girl friends house, we didn't drink or get high or anything. I can remember this because being straight was not my normal lifestyle during this period.
I didn't ride a bicycle for a very long time after that. If I ever ride two wheels again it would have a motor on it! When I did get back on a bicycle about 5 or 6 years ago, I was pretty scared of not hearing that car come up from behind again. Heck, I was scared to ride in the road for a year or so, only rode the mountain bike on trails in the woods at first and on the roads around the house . But the one mile loop around my neighborhood got old and I eventually strayed out on the open road again. Oh the freedom of being self propelled and going out exploring the roads. Now I'm even thinking that maybe someday I'll ride across the nation, you know dip the wheel in the Atlantic and ride till I can dip it in the Pacific.

Well, if you can't tell by now, I have a hard time staying on topic. Now to try and reel it back in, I stole part of todays title from a very dear friend that also likes to ponder lifes mysteries, thank you if you ever read this, I owe so much to you for being who you are. All these memories of my early years and how they have shaped the person I am today. I only hope someday I can jump across the invisible dimensions of time and space, and experience the life where things turned out different. The one where the dreams of how it could have been or should have been are not just dreams.

Feeling like 16 again. or ramblings of an dirty old man.

I've been told that sometimes some people feel like their 16 again. I came to the realization this morning that I am feeling exactly like that now! It was so long ago, I had forgotten how that felt. Or maybe I intentionly pushed all those memories way back in the dark recesses of my mind. There is a lot of empty space there for things like that. Anywho, I can remember being in love at such a young age. I have a way of building my whole life around one thing or person. But when that thing/person fails me, it leaves such an empty hole. I grew up beliving in God. But now, (age16) if there is a loving God in heaven, why does he let people feel such loneliness and dispair. I remember having no appitite, no desire to go outside, no desire to tell my parents or friends how I was feeling. Wondering if there really is a God, will I go to hell for ending my own life. Thinking that I wouldn't even make it to 17 or 18 years old. Of course I was already into the drinking and drugging scene, after all I am a product of the 70's. You were hearing about the famous rock stars OD'ing, plane crashes, motorcycle wrecks. To ride my bicycle in front of a semi would be fast, I rode my bike a lot back then, had already lost my drivers license for drinking and driving. Oh yeah, that first real bike, a Miyata 10 speed. I rode that bike all over the place. No wonder I couldn't get a girl to stay with me, what did I have to offer....hey want to go on a date....you can sit on my handlebars and I'll pedal us to a movie! HA, what a joke I was. Not to be one to just give up, I decided that going out of this world high was the only way to go. No more cigarettes for me, pot alcohol and drugs all the way baby. If I'm going to kill myself, I'm going to have fun doing it. So I set out with one goal in life. Try to achieve oblivion every chance I could. If I did ever pass out and not wake up, or wake up dead, that was just fine with me. My life path was set. school went from A's and B's to D's and F's. Almost dropped out completely. There were lots of attempts to fill that empty hole inside me, but when you learn to guard yourself from ever getting hurt, you lose the ability to really care about others too. My favorite philosphy was forming and I didn't even know it: "Don't ever expect much, and you'll never be disappointed!"
My life centered around the drink and the buzz. I had a new love, and it would become a crutch that I couldn't live without for the next 20 years.
Zoom back to current day, 2009, I just picked up my 17 year chip. 17 years clean and sober. The only reason I stopped was because the alcohol stopped working for me. I got to the point where I couldn't get drunk, but I couldn't get sober either. Thank God for the employee assistance program. Drinking and pot took me to my knees, and that is the best place to find the One Real thing that won't ever fail you. I take no credit for anything good in my life today. God is in charge, and when I let him drive the bus, I usually get to my destination on time. I'm not very fond of these trying life lessons like I am experiencing right now, but If I can just hang in there, sit back and try to learn something, I know all will be OK in the end.

Mixed up, screwed up, confused, lost, all alone but surrounded by people, why would anyone want to feel like your 16 again???