Feeling like 16 again. or ramblings of an dirty old man.

I've been told that sometimes some people feel like their 16 again. I came to the realization this morning that I am feeling exactly like that now! It was so long ago, I had forgotten how that felt. Or maybe I intentionly pushed all those memories way back in the dark recesses of my mind. There is a lot of empty space there for things like that. Anywho, I can remember being in love at such a young age. I have a way of building my whole life around one thing or person. But when that thing/person fails me, it leaves such an empty hole. I grew up beliving in God. But now, (age16) if there is a loving God in heaven, why does he let people feel such loneliness and dispair. I remember having no appitite, no desire to go outside, no desire to tell my parents or friends how I was feeling. Wondering if there really is a God, will I go to hell for ending my own life. Thinking that I wouldn't even make it to 17 or 18 years old. Of course I was already into the drinking and drugging scene, after all I am a product of the 70's. You were hearing about the famous rock stars OD'ing, plane crashes, motorcycle wrecks. To ride my bicycle in front of a semi would be fast, I rode my bike a lot back then, had already lost my drivers license for drinking and driving. Oh yeah, that first real bike, a Miyata 10 speed. I rode that bike all over the place. No wonder I couldn't get a girl to stay with me, what did I have to offer....hey want to go on a date....you can sit on my handlebars and I'll pedal us to a movie! HA, what a joke I was. Not to be one to just give up, I decided that going out of this world high was the only way to go. No more cigarettes for me, pot alcohol and drugs all the way baby. If I'm going to kill myself, I'm going to have fun doing it. So I set out with one goal in life. Try to achieve oblivion every chance I could. If I did ever pass out and not wake up, or wake up dead, that was just fine with me. My life path was set. school went from A's and B's to D's and F's. Almost dropped out completely. There were lots of attempts to fill that empty hole inside me, but when you learn to guard yourself from ever getting hurt, you lose the ability to really care about others too. My favorite philosphy was forming and I didn't even know it: "Don't ever expect much, and you'll never be disappointed!"
My life centered around the drink and the buzz. I had a new love, and it would become a crutch that I couldn't live without for the next 20 years.
Zoom back to current day, 2009, I just picked up my 17 year chip. 17 years clean and sober. The only reason I stopped was because the alcohol stopped working for me. I got to the point where I couldn't get drunk, but I couldn't get sober either. Thank God for the employee assistance program. Drinking and pot took me to my knees, and that is the best place to find the One Real thing that won't ever fail you. I take no credit for anything good in my life today. God is in charge, and when I let him drive the bus, I usually get to my destination on time. I'm not very fond of these trying life lessons like I am experiencing right now, but If I can just hang in there, sit back and try to learn something, I know all will be OK in the end.

Mixed up, screwed up, confused, lost, all alone but surrounded by people, why would anyone want to feel like your 16 again???